Over and DONE with...

Christmas is over and done with and NOW, we're all waiting for the BIG bang which is called NEW YEAR.

THIS SUCKS...

I have....

REALIZED...in the darkest of days (which is today, Christmas) that I AM NOT what you

WANT
NEED
DESIRE
CARE




LOVE!

NOW, I know...

Seriously?

I'm not much of a CHRISTMAS person...SERIOUSLY...BUT then again, you can't help the fact that you can JUST smile and DO nothing while SMILING...just because PEOPLE are smiling and saying MERRY FREAKING Christmas...


Ah DARN!

Let's just grin and BORE it!

get me this for christmas...

christmas...

Will be next week...

HAh!!!!

See?

I can do it without YOU.

From now on...

...I will...

...no longer talk to you just because you're talking to me..
...no longer hug you back just because you want me to or just because you are hugging me...
...no longer kiss you just because I WANT TO and I need it bad and JUST because you kissed me I won't do that too..
...no longer ask you to make love to me just because I'm HORNY or STEAMING HOT and I want to tear my bones out of my skin, I won't do that...because sometimes, for even a fraction of a nanosecond, I sometimes THINK, that you're thinking of someone or something else and that you're doing something with that someone in your mind..I WILL no do that too...
...no longer check your phone just because it beeps and I won't check it even for a nanosecond..
...no longer ask where you are or where you came from or why you came in late or why you're panting and or why you're making too many things up or being so defensive about something...
...no longer ask ANYTHING from you anymore whether it be money or stuff or even just LOVE...
...no longer question your decision about your plan to be in an apartment or just leave me or whatever excuse you will weave...I will not ask or question ANYTHING anymore...
...no longer ask whether you're salivating over someone else and/or you're planning to do or DREAMING to do something with someone most especially THOSE I HATE and LOATHE and ABHOR...
...no longer watch a movie with your or eat dinner or make you something that you like...I will not anymore...


...no longer LOVE you like I DID...like I SHOULD...like I ALWAYS have before...
...NO LONGER wait for forever just for you..
...NO longer ask you on how your day was because I'm sure my dull monochrome and boring day would pale in comparison to your bright, shiny and rainbow colored one...

...try to lie about everything else and just put on a brave face

...TRY to lie that I love you and I miss you.

My tuttee

Hahahaha!

Nothing MUCH really...

For the most noisiest person PROBABLY in the WORLD...

There's NOTHING much going on..

AT THE MOMENT!

MIRACULOUSLY!

I didn't...

get late..
die..
get fired...
(and most of all)

COLLAPSE!


Now, I can go back home and SLEEP the SLEEP OF THE JUST!

RIGHT NOW!

It's probably past 1 in the freaking morning...and I HAVE AN ALARM at 5.30..

I have NO idea why this happened...MAYBE it's fate..haha!

Anyways, I have to do news in the morning - because if I don't, someone else will and I'd rather put my head and pull the strings on the gallows myself than be late AND/OR not show up for the morning news.

I'll be DEAD - DAMNED and DESOLATE if I'd be.

PLEASE God no..NOT TODAY!

PLEASE!

it sucks...

when you get meager pay...

SUpposedly I RECEIVED A LOT than what I'm receiving now..

GOSH!

I have an idea...

Kiss me...

and

I'll tell YOU!

=)

Bad case....very BAD case...

The author of this BLOG is suffering from a BAD CASE - A VERY BAD CASE - of WRITERS BLOCK!

Sigh....

Stay tuned!

Ah JOY!

If a picture can describe my feeling(s) NOW...

It would be THIS!



Sigh...

Something died in me...

I have a huge gaping hole - dead center.

Have you ever read The Sandman? It's a Graphic Novel or comics by Neil Gaiman. Well, the first ever issue or Precious Than Rubies or Preludes and Nocturnes..1 - 8 writes that The Sandman (or Dream or Morpheus, the prince of stories, the lord of dreams) was kidnapped or summoned and then kidnapped by a bunch of (haha) lunatics for of course, personal gain.

Though, Dream wasn't their intended victim - it was supposed to be his sister, Death - but Death is a tricky one, as well as Dream, Well I have no idea why Death dind't come or maybe she was busy and then Dream was vulnerable thus the kidnapping.

Anyways, Dream had three things - his mask, his sandbag, and his sigil - a ruby - bigger or maybe like that of an egg. He was imprisoned by lunatics for 3 score years and ten.

70 freaking years and that time he was weakened and lil' by lil' his powers grew weak as well.

Like THAT!

I feel weak now. I do have a huge gaping hole in my chest. You can see right through me - haha!

Jokes on me - but then again, I need to move this silly emotional thing from my brain into the outside world. SO THAT my readers and not to mention my listeners tomorrow afternoon.

BITCH!

Oh darn...the world is a vampire..and I'm not going to let it suck me dry.

A lil' sip maybe BUT not gonna let it suck me dry...

Last Night, Today and (please God) let's hope there won't be a tomorrow of UNGODLY misadventures...

Last night was this years pageant for the MISS of the city. And so again it proved - and I as well proved it - that women are always stereotyped as the weak one.

Yes, of course, battling for one darn crown and for what? The name, the fame, the popularity? SUREEEE!

OK fine, sure, they DID say that she'll represent the whole city and be an ambassador (sadress - whatever) of goodwill and happy tidings and whatever they can think of - why can't they just be Mother Theresa?

The joy of being in the media is that aside from of course the death threats and bomb threats galore that (for sure) eventually I will get - just give me time - is that I get to be on the front freaking row - last NIGHT I was at the front freaking row of the pageant.

It's nice being there and the photographers take pictures of you like you're someone FAMOUS (infamous on my part, thank you) and then you get to see the darn pageant in front of you as in! The women were out early and they were in night gowns, party dresses and hell bikinis - which totally sucked.

I have never in my entire life - as a human being and immortal - watched a pageant from start to finish AND not to say the least enjoyed it. NEVER. I just drop by at the end part or almost end part to see who's more brainy than beauty and brawn.

And so, the women did the death march - I was thinking Japanese that time when they showcased their huge butts and boobies here and there. I didn't like. Some smiled and some didn't and some just totally smiled for the sake of smiling and HOPING at the back of their minds that they might win because they have great teeth and huge bicuspids and were just plain bored. Haha!

The bikini part came - or swim wear to make it NOT sound silly and pornographic - the women did the march of death AGAIN clad only on what looked like darn lil' clothing that I think was made just for them or made to order or whatever you may call it. The women just smiled again and everyone was bored, even I was - and now I know I'm bored because I'm talking and ranting in circles.

BUT really, I don't have my muse right now. HE (because I'm gay, thank you) isn't no were near me or my ethereal domain or whatever.

BUT then again, let's move on since we've already started this why not finish the darn thing? Since I have opened the can of worms - then I'll just go use it and fish.

Local pageant would totally pale in comparison with the international pageants. Because - among other reasons - of financial matters. Obviously, we all need it for a lot of things and I prayed that last night the contestants would have AT LEAST shaved and/or waxed they pretty asses - so that NONE will have black linings on their butts!

Yeah, as gay as this sounds, and please don't take this as insecurity or whatever, but since you're wearing a bikini WHY NOT go home and bring the darn bacon?

The night ended like a bug flattened on the windshield of a car. PERIOD. SPLAT. BLOOD! Blahhhh and whatever.

So, I didn't enjoy it.

This morning, I woke up early, just for me to meet the president of the country. FINALLY! I have seen her and I was UP CLOSE - well 10 steps anyways. And I even got to talk to a royal guard, hahahahaha!

OK, I don't want to make any political bullcrap or whatever, because I don't like it. BUT, the joy of seeing your country's leader and speaking in your native tongue is a great thing. Yeah, sure, she may have some issues - LIKE YOU AND ME, so says my imaginary friend. - but still she is the president of the country and everything else follows.

I'm not in my best today. I trusted someone and then all I got in return was getting bitched at. SO THERE! The joy of it all. Never trust anyone so says the the lord.

deep heavy sigh.

among other things, I have confessed to my dear ol' cousin about the DEED that I DID just recently - and he SAYS that it's OK. It won't make me less of a human being just for doing that.

For the millionth time, I'm NOT doing well today. I'm just here for the mean time to do something and that I did. I am a boring old twat!!!!!!!!!!!

OK! I have to stop writing..

I suck, but tomorrow I hope I won't be!

Just bear with me....

I took a Valium and I didn't sleep...

So, then again, here I am at the café..with nothing to do AND nothing to THINK of doing...

GAWD!

Yesterday, was KIND OF OK for me. I went to the radio station manager in which I'll be DJ'ing at the local radio station here in town..hahahaha!

Also, I kinda had fun yesterday ON MY OWN...and then again, I don't know what to right...

Darn...

So..again...

Lies.

Deceit.

And...


DESPAIR...

That's what makes a pretty good trio.

You give that to me...

I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, moving forward...

Things aren't really bright and shiny nowadays for me, considering.

They're more of dead and dying or undead and unemployed - again - status.

BUT still, I have to more forward.

Yep.

I should...

Hip Hop Abs...

Yeah, I'm doing it...sorta


hahahaha!

Moving forward...

And yes, I did quit my job.

I didn't need any explanations from MMOAB. It was obvious, that I was no longer needed.. SO there. I QUIT.

I know, it's pride and whatever you can think of. BUT, I'm not gonna kiss someone elses mangy ass right? Or beg and plead for mercy? Of course not.

I have got to get a move on, wherever in this province or town I can get a job or even in infinity and beyond.

Sigh....

It sucks really, this way. BUT, then again, I made a choice. I don't want to be suspended in animation because I won't go anywhere with it.

And what REALLY sucks is that HE is doing everything to keep me going - food and all - yes, you can say that it should be his duty to bring me up again because I'm down like what I did - or always do - when HE's down, but then again, I don't want that to happen.

I want to do this on my own or with a lil' divine intervention of a sort. So there.

I have go to move on...

Let's hope...

That tomorrow will be BETTER...

BETTER than THIS.

I hope people will be coming tomorrow from all the corners of this province, including the darn diagonal parts of the province...

BUT STILL

I wanna be a porn star...

Oh yes, a porn star...

What I really want to be...

You remember that song? "When I grow up I will someday..." yada-yada-yada...

I wanna be a PORN STAR...

NO KIDDING.

I wanna be like HIM. Brandon Manilow..

Sigh.

A porn star's life is probably easier than what I have now. Just full of fuckity-fuck-fucks.

You won't have to worry about deadline!

Ohhhhhhh!

Never be with a man who's prettier than you...

*Author's note: This is, by and large, another entry that I wrote at four in the morning. The muse of writing just woke me. Be careful, this entry is FULL of rage...you might get contaminated...

The title of this entry is from a line in a novel by Christopher Moore, I'm not really sure what the title of the novel is but it's about Jody a boring secretary turned vampire. Her mother said that to her.

Which I can relate to.

I am with someone who's pretty or even if I hate it very much to admit, pretty-ier.

A great chest, wonderful torso and a golden cock.

Yes it's true and you can take that to the bank.

Along with this perfect things that I so dearly possess are also not-so-very-perfect things that I TOO unfortunately possess. Since he's mine, everything that he has is mine too and vice-versa.

Of course, we all have our not-so-very-perfect moments, like me, I hulk out like a bitch sometimes, either in thoughts, words, and alas, I hate to say this, actions.

HE is at times - meaning, often - inconsistent with his stories. Now, I am not saying that HE is brewing up a lie just to excuse HIMSELF from it all. But sometimes, rarely this time, HE gets entangled - all by HIMSELF - to those stories that HE very carefully weaved for me to believe.

And yes, I am a sucker, I believe HIM. In a 99.9.99% (if ever there is a kind of percentage in this dimension) way!

Donning on a brave face and through gritted teeth and barred fangs, I just take all of it like bullets from a Gatling gun or an M16 or hell a missile from a frigging Nikita rocket launcher!

Yesterday, morning, we had a fight. Which, right now, I have forgotten what we talked about. Ahh, yes. I came home late last night - 2200 hours to be exact. I was with a cousin, who needed company and I needed company too since I was kinda - sorta - still kind of now - feeling depressed and frus-frigging-trated with the very meager number of recruits for my call center training program. So, I was with a cousin.

When I came home, I was expecting an atom bomb or hell a nuke that would smack and blow me into a million smithereens in plain sight.

BUT no...

It was worse than an atom bomb and a nuke! It was the sharp, double-egged blade of sarcasm and disgust...

And to boot, the wonderful thing called COLD WAR went into action. I won't dive much into details on this one. BUT, you get the picture. He slept on the couch; I slept on my glorrrrriooous bed.

And still not speaking with him at all, I continued the day without a peep from my loud mouth. BUT my loud mouth - loud as it is - betrayed me.

I spoke first. DARN IT!

Remember that old ballad called Get Up and Bar the Door? Well, it's about a couple who after eating dinner fought on who's going to get up and bar or lock the door. They agreed that starting now that no one would peep or even breathe a word and not even move a single muscle or else, he/she would bar the door.

Now, while in their mute and motionless state, the couple had visitors. ROBBERS! The robbers were very much surprised and kinda shocked on what kind of game this old couple was playing. Then, the robbers decided to make fun of them, to the extent of shaving the husband. When one of the robbers shaved him - without water, which is a bitch, try it - the husband scowled in pain because of the blade.

So, who got up and barred the door?

I think I would lose such contest!

And I kinda did, even though I tried - for the millionth time - to throw him out of the house after packing his things on bags galore.

But then we talked - or rather fought in unbearable silence. He won, eventually, as he always does in every fight - verbal or action fight.

HE didn't even asked me, what happened or what was the reason why I was out late? HE just kept on going on about why didn't I text him or leave a note and/or whatever.

Like it or not, I sometimes need a fraction of an inch, space. I breathed in and out, deep and low, last night while I was out and poured my guts out to a cousin.

Sigh.

I asked myself, why is it that every time he goes out with his friends and come home late - usually drunk and/or high - that I don't have to question ANYTHING or speak about his long absence? I dunno the answer to this one.

And, second question, why is it that if I go out for an hour or two, he goes BALLISTIC about my absence? And in his ballistic state, he has played his long speech, which he already cued in his head while I was gone, about his sacrifices and he's out with girls and they're friends and nothing will happen and blah-blah-blah-blah, etcetera etcetera, on and on, the droning sound of bees.

BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZ.

I could go on forever on this one. BUT, I don't have plans to just complain forever.

I'm not the complaining shit type.

Yesterday, Saturday, night. He went out. Because it was the bon-fucking-va-yage (sucker!) party of HIS friend. Yes, the friend who's old and dying and has a huge-ass mayoma germinating inside of her corpulent belly.

The one I hold near and dear to my heart FULL of ABHORRENCE and LOATHING.

BUT, before HE went out, and after our cold war in the morning, HE PROMISED.

P-R-O-M-I-S-E-D

That we'd both go out and get online and just go out and have fun or something like going online and checking stuff on the Net and look for the stuff he needs for HIS class - and trust me, there's a whole hell lot of stuff, by Jove is my witness!

BUT THEN AGAIN, the PROMISE got eclipsed, darkened overshadowed, trumped, trashed, neglected, forgotten, broken by the invitation.

Of course. Eventually. Like the proverbial battle between good and evil. The GOOD always triumph.

Guess which side I'm on?

Always REMEMBER, the best laid plans ARE always unsuccessful. I bet my sweet-patootie on that one.

And since I am boring, miserable and fat and not to mention to destitute to say the least; I did nothing and I decided to waitfor HIM at the road, from hours on end. AND finally, at 2330 HOURS, HE has arrived. A lil' woozy, I think. I hailed the cab that HE just rode to home and we both went in again to go to town - I was STILL clinging on to his promise.

HE, on the other hand, was a bit dazed on why I hailed the cab. Hah! And then, when we got to town, we went to the café and just sat there getting ready WHEN the Internet connection went poof!

"And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty-dumpty together again..."

So, I told HIM that we should go home rather than ROT in this hell hole.

When we got home, where I am now, we ate. AND then an SMS message arrived for HIM. FROM HIS FRIEND.

I cannot believe, that HE of all people, THAT HE AND HIS FRIEND calls me THE CALLBOY.

At that time, my world paused for a bit. It stopped spinning and spinning. I was dazed. I felt hazy. Confused. AND I wanted to tear his eyes out.

I spat at him that HE AND HIS FRIEND can keep me out of their lives. I cannot believe, that HE of ALL PEOPLE would call me
THAT and tolerate SOMEONE ELSE calling me THAT.

HE - meagerly - reasoned out that it was just a LABEL that HE and HIS friend thought of, and EVEN, set out another example on what they called SOMEONE ELSES girlfriend - the girlfriend of their friend. A WHORE, they call her.

EXCUSE ME.

LABEL.

I freaked out. Of course, yes, sure. They probably didn't mean much by it. BUT, the FACT that SOMETHING INSINUATED THEIR MINUTE LIL' MINDS into calling ME and SOMEONE ELSE THAT makes them WHAT?

HYPOCRITES? PHARISEES? WHATTHEFUCKS?

You choose.

I told him, which HE TOTALLY LISTENED AND DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO BACKFIRE AT ME, you promised me that tonight we'll go out - you and me - you promised me that tonight, we'll work on something so THAT tomorrow - which is RIGHT NOW, SUNDAY, we'll do DO NOTHING day.

HE WENT SILENT. I think I strucked a chord!

Sigh.

THEN, after that, HE even had the NERVE to ask if it's OK with me that HE'LL go out again tomorrow and be with HIS FRIEND.

As if I have ANOTHER OPTION to his quiz? I am not, an I repeat, jealous or insecure or whatever mushy things you can think of.

NO. PLEASE. I'm way way way wayyyyyyyyyyy beyond that.

seriously, I FEEL UNWANTED. I FEEL LIKE I'm USED GOODS! He gets mad at me if I go out EVEN if my own mother asked me to go out for a bit just to get something - BUT he didn't even FOR A NANO FUCKING SECOND think that HE MADE A PROMISE TO ME.

Yeah, OK. I'm probably making a VERY big deal about this PROMISE.

BUT hey, look it up. What the WORD PROMISE means. Yeah, take it literally, figuratively, diagonally or hell even absurdly.
WHATEVER way or position you look at it, it ALL BOILS DOWN TO.

I'll DO IT.

WHOEVER MADE THE SHIT LINE which goes PROMISES ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN are BULLSHITS!

I have come to realize that MY PRESENCE, MY COMPANY gets trumped by someone else. AND yeah, OK sure, that someone else may BE better than me - because of the OLD AGE - very old age , lines and all - BUT, aren't we all unique? Don't we all have our differences?

I have something that she doesn't have. AND THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a COCK.

Yes, baby, a COCK. Which HE LURRRRVVES.

SIGH!

DEEP FUCKING SIGH.

I am FURIOUS. I AM BALLISTIC RIGHT NOW. I just cannot believe, that someone, someone who is not even in my league - that I am certainly sure - can trump me over HIM!

JESUS H. CHRIST ON A FRIGGING PONY!

I am getting back to work soon, and I will save a lot of money for something someday...in time, I'm sure it'll come.

IF THIS - the bull-shit-ness of our so called relationship - keeps on going....

USE your imagination...

If only...

I made a deal with the devil a long time ago...

Maybe right now..I'd be....


Hmmmmm...

I bet you to enumerate the possibilities....

My thunder...

THAT was stolen from me - for quite sometime is NOW BACK IN MY ARMS! (Or tentacles or appendages or whatever...)

I have it back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, beware those who'd like to steal it again...

I'll smite you...

i look at you....

with such DISDAIN

And so I blame it on the weather...

I really shouldn't trust everyone fully.

One minute people just show you their pearly whites and then the other some just grit their darn teeth!

AND to top it all off, some just betray you.

And rain on your black parade...

Of course!!

For sure, this will surely beat the daylight out of everything...

Reunion's done and gone and it'll stay that way for two years.

So, here I am again, living my mere mortal life and kind of sucking all of it up.
And I'm back to my favorite hobby and that's called watching Smallville and other TV shows on DVD.

Lex said something that shook me.

Trust goes both ways.

Hmmmm. So meaning, if you trust someone SUPPOSEDLY they're going to trust you back or something like or even close to that definition. BUT...

I dunno.

Right now, it may seem meager and minute but pile lil' rocks up and you'll have a boulder and eventually a mountain that you can even plant a cross or a flag on. Sigh.

Cellphones sucks. And there are just times when I want to smash it into a wall or something - like my head.

BUT then again, they say, that there are places where even angels fear to tread and the blind men would just go tumbling into infinite oblivion or something.

I am blind. Not as a bat or Batman. BUT as blind as John Milton or whoever.

Right now, this may seem like a lil' fuckity-fuck-fuck of a joyride for me so hell since it's for free why not enjoy the darn ride.

This is my weakness and somewhere-somehow, I cannot make or turn this weakness into strength - no matter what I do and that includes: prayer; magic; divination and darn straight voodoo hocus-pocus.

BUT THEN AGAIN...there's only one thing I can be VERY VERY sure of...and that is..

My heart is yours.

You crazy son of a bitch.

It beats for you and you alone.

It's yours.

Yeah, sure, I do have A LOT. A HUGE ASS trust issue.

Don't blame me, I've had a lot of experiences on the trust department. My own father topped cake with chocolate icing and a cherry to boot!

BUT then again, I am human.

I cry a river.

I bleed - a lot, it's messy.

I get broken.

I can be fixed.

I am very vulnerable.

Like Superman vulnerable to Kryptonite, The Martian Manhunter to fire, Flash to zero gravity, Wonder Woman to her own magic lasso.

I do have a few rough edges, but give me time and please give me the benefit of the doubt from everything I do. Yes, given I have my moments - my episode marathons BUT it doesn't mean I hate you completely.

I am human.

NOT even close to being divine.

I do not demand anything from you or whatever, but I only ask one thing from you, give it your best shot when you're with me, I know you are, and I know sometimes I get crazy, delusional and darn frigging paranoid.

But I love you.

And that for sure I know is true and won't easily be taken away.

I am....

...reading Divine Comedy
...staring at my greenish-yellow (or yellowish-green) monitor
...hungry like a wolf..

I kind of did...

Played nurse (while watching Grey's Anatomy - again)

I kind of am...

Sleepy and hungry too.

Hah!

(Just rambling blah blah blah!)

The universal target...

...of bullshit for the moment is me.

I remember what Ron Weasley said in the Harry Potter series..
"Everything I own is rubbish."

"It sucks being poor."

Right now, these two quotes by Ron would be an understatement for what's
happening to me.

I HATE WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME NOW!

My monitor's doing what it does best - and that's being greenish yellow or yellowish green and my mouse's left click is on the verge of showing signs of fuckaroo.

I hate this.

The internet connection is crappy as well - it sucks - it keeps on disconnecting.FUckity-fuck-fuck! I am scared and surprised..yeah, I know, I feel sorry for myself. Which is totally wrong, I know.

BUT THEN AGAIN.

I don't see anyone helping.

My mom's just a load of crap.I'm sorry; I know you're supposed to obey your parents and all that jazz.

Ephesians 6:1 says so...BUT look at my mom. She treats me like I'm 4..or 2..or 1.
Sometimes I don't think that she thinks I can handle things NOW on my own. She
nags a lot.It's what she - and probably all of the mothers in the world - does best.

Nag.
I hate my father.

I loathe him.

I ABHOR him.

I can't believe after he left us - ME even, his first born - he just left me
for dead!

My so called friends..HAH!

FUCK YOU ALL!

No one's helping. Not even the ones who gouged me out into this plane - miserable and damned world.

I need to get out of here.

I need to find a better place AND job - one where my job description's not confusing that would make your mind blow up into a million bajillion pieces.I am scared and surprised...

BY this twisted turn of fate.

I HATE THIS!

Sometimes, I just want to wreck things and probably destroy everything I see
and hurl everything I grope.I'm donning a brave face now.My partner's with me - I can't let him
know that I am affected - stressed - and feeling so darn sorry for myself.I can't.

It's bad enough that everything's going down the drain for me, I can't just drag him along for the "crappy - bullshit - fucking" ride to hell and back.

This sucks.

I don't want this to happen EVER again. I'm NOT KIDDING!

Before this month ends I WILL start anew.

I SWEAR!

DESTITUTE

adj.

Utterly lacking; devoid...

Lacking resources or the means of subsistence; completely impoverished.

THIS word isn't just MY word of the day - BUT I think and I know since it's clawing like shit to me - it'll be for the WEEK!

OR MONTH

or

UGH!!


YEAR....


FUCK!!

Not exactly what I had in my mind, BUT, not bad...

My birthday...

It didn't go out as planned...but then again, at least I kind of had fun.

I'll make another one...

Party that is.

Hah!

Hell or high water?

so...

Here I am at the Registrars office at school - hijacking the computer AND printer (with coloured ink) and doing what I was suppose to do a week ago...And that is to make a new curriculum and course for the school to offer soon..BLAHHHH!

I just thought of doing it NOW. Since I was mustered all of my strength a week ago to make this darn bloody thing!

Sigh!!!

Also....I'm listening to PARAMORE. The final riot...well, actually, WATCHING it online on YouTube.

I love this one. I have it at home..FULL video!

Hehehehe!

I love their songs...Sigh...

So.....LET THE FLAMES BEGIN!

Like lions

Did you know that...

Lions only do IT once a year and in that particular day of the year, they do it 24hours!

WHOLE FRIGGING DAY.

Like Unli Call - Text or whatever.

I wish I were a lion...hahahahaha!

But..question...

Would it be alright to NOT DO IT everyday and just ONCE a year

or DO IT EVERY DAY and NOT DO IT ONCE ONLY?

Hmmmmm..

Fuck it!

It's May and then again, here I am..no good thing to write AGAIN.

Three days from now I'll be 24.

FUCK IT!

Epiphany...

Epiphany (n)

1. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
2. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization.

I just realized something...SOMETHING.

Question...

When your partner hates someone and you still go out and be friends with that someone even though you know your partner is boiling and will probably will tear his/her own guts out BUT you STILL will do almost everything - virtually anything - at a bat of an eyebrow whatever that person (hated by your partner) will ask or plead...is THAT BAD?

Second question...

Is the partner being mean? or selfish? jealous?

or just being human? EMBEDDED with the emotion to hate - loathe - abhor.

JUST BEING HUMAN...and the other partner is being NEUTRAL.

Remember what Dante said...

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality”

Chew on that!

He said it right...

“The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality”

“From a little spark may burst a flame."

“There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery”

- Dante...

It's a hell of a job, but then again, someone's gotta do it...

When the Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice his kid Isaac - of course he said no. He's NOT that crazy! But eventually he said YES, he didn't have a choice because the LORD said so...so he tied poor Isaac on the sacrificial stone and probably there was no way near anything to stop him in stabbing his son, but the Lord sent an angel to hold his hand (which was holding a dagger) and then a ram stumbled and Abraham sacrificed the lil' poor thing instead.

Moral of the story...no matter how hard the job is - devilish as it may seem OR hard YOU HAVE GOT TO DO IT.

As what my favorite vampire hunter - Anita Blake - said..."Sometimes, just sometimes, you have to deal with the devil yourself, because if you don't, someone else will."

Sigh. Alright, enough quotes and Bible stories...let's zoom in on lil' ol me.

At work I've been a bit LAMBASTED with so many things that I couldn't understand. Like organizing stuff - punch paper, staple, do correction using correction fluid/ink. I wasn't trained to do that...ugh!

BUT THEN AGAIN - I did it. In one day and a half...or something like that. Which totally sucks, because I kind of was dreading that I wouldn't get my pay BEFORE I finish the darn thing.

Sigh...I'm not really in a writing mood right now, because I'm not at the house...I'm at the café..I had to be here, I haven't gone online for like days AND not to mention, I haven' t used a computer for like LONG time now, my computer monitor (CRT mother fucker) is on the verge of BLOWING up sky freaking high...darn! SO, I had to come here and probably by tomorrow I NEED to have it fixed, I don't have much money now to buy a flat monitor or LC-fucking-Dee.

Sigh.

I bought a lot of stuff with the boyfriend today. I had fun. I hope he did too..I love him.

BLAAAAAHHH!

I'm SOOO not in the mood to write right now.

LATER!

Hello Darkness, my old friend...

It's April - middle of it actually AND it's HOT. I don't like it.

Unlike Superman - I don't get my powers from the heat of the sun. I get weak or get lazy when it's hot. I'm not programmed for solar power.

To quote Lestat "The light from the sun and the intense heat of a prolonged fire, these things might destroy me or then again...they might not."

I am getting weak and getting destroyed lil' by lil'.

A LOT of things have happened that shook me. Call it a cataclysmic change.

My computer - this one I'm writing in on right now - recently died (for the NTH time) this time it did a very sparkling presentation. FIREWORKS!

The power supply blew up.

AND THEN I had to admit it to the repair people to have it fixed. And after coughing out a large sum of money - the one I garnered from tutoring the batch I'm training right now and just seeing the darn money for less than an hour - it got fixed.

ANOTHER problem presented itself in UNICOLOR.

Green. Though sometimes yellow or sometimes, just sometimes a combination of both.

The monitor - which is yellow at the moment - is acting pretty strange.

AND THEN another one, the AVR. Automatic Voltage Regulator. THE HEART of the computer. The one which gives it life in a tiny spark is acting PRETTY PRETTY strange. It makes clicky-ti-clack noises.

BUT no matter how technical these stuff are or expensive even - they can be fixed or replaced with something new and voilá it's OK again.

There's another one...SO CATACYLYSMIC that I almost had (or probably have already) an ANEURYSM!

At work, yesterday, when everyone went home. I received an SMS message from our very diligent but an idiot of a maintenance personnel which read that one unit of headset (a very obsolete one) went missing. I have no idea why it did or where it went - probably a trainee transferred it from one unit to another or it just mysteriously disappeared. Poof!

I received a torrent, excuse me, a TRUCK LOAD of SMS messages from both the idiot maintenance personnel and my monster of a boss which boils down to ME being the responsible one knowing about the where-and-what abouts of the bloody thing.

I couldn't sleep last night - couldn't sleep well because every time I opened my eyes, flashes of the monster boss and the idiot personnel and their fingers pointing at me haunt me in my sleep.

Every time I close my eyes.

I'm NOT guilty of anything, I just don't like it when people or whatever accuse me of something that I AM TOTALLY INNOCENT OF.

Morning came - which was good, I was still alive - and then I braved my way to school.

AND THEN the headset was found - by the idiot maintenance personnel himself. Crazy world.

I asked my trainees why and what happened - since I went out most of the day yesterday - and then they just nodded into agreeing that they won't do it anymore, transferring ANY unit to another or whatever.

THEN the monster boss came. UNLIKE Grendel's mom, this one doesn't have charm or probably it's still there but weak or sordid or diminishing and decrepit.

All hell broke lose.

Like a rabid Chihuahua biting everyone's leg off.

We did an inventory. FROM all of the CPU's (including the ones that doesn't function anymore) down to the very last mouse pad.

Then after I signed the darn paper, I went off along with everyone else and declared a HOLIDAY. Or afternoon off.

I was so pissed. I lost my control and I didn't want to work. NOT TODAY.

I slept through the whole afternoon, drooled even. My partner, my life, my signal fire, my safe harbor, took advantage of me, sniffing every possible nook and cranny of my nakedness and probably diminished my scent; even in my unconscious state, I knew what he was doing - I loved that, it made me feel secure and that I'm OK!

During my sleep, I didn't dream of anything or maybe I did. I didn't care. I was at peace for a bit. AND I knew that NOTHING in this world or the next world would hurt me because I am safe in the cockles of my partners arms and of course the comfort of our bed and my personal favorite - my mosquito net!

People who give a damn, sent me messages, gave me comforting words to ease - to pacify my very-very perturbed heart and spirit and not to mention mind.

My cousin, my friend for more than a decade and my other friends and my mother. Mutter o gib mir kraft!

I ask her to do something for me and what her position can do and their operation lock up on business that are illegal can do.

She'll do it next week.

Guess where it'll happen?

Sit back, relax and nuke a popcorn while you're at it, it's going to be one heck of a scene. It might even be bloody and teary.

FUN!

Sigh.

This post - like almost every post that I have made - is full of angst, anger and hate. I dunno. Maybe I'm messed up.

Erase the maybe.

Maybe I AM MESSED UP.

I really don't know what to do with it anymore - the matter at hand. I'm scared that they might do something like electrocute me in plain sight or shoot me point blank dead center on the head.

I'm dreading this morning. I wonder what bomb or grenade will I dodge or shield myself from AGAIN? I hope it's not nuclear or atomic or I'll bite the dust - LITERALLY!

I am NOT strong in spirit, mind and heart. Even though I don on a pretty brave face and pretend that everything's alright and everything WILL be alright, I still hurt inside. Like an out of control internal bleeding. FUCK!

There's this joke - from Watchmen. A guy comes into a doctor's office weeping. Doctor asks what's wrong. Guy says that he's messed up. Doctor says to cheer up and to watch this funny clown who's in town, it'll surely do the trick. Guy says, "I AM THE CLOWN!"

Funny joke.

Scary even.

FUCK!

I decided that if I can't take this any longer - longer that it should (I'm working on Batch 15 and I started from the no number batch) and the pain, the fear, the paranoia wouldn't ease, then I'd give up.

I'm not going to make this last forever.

Hallelujah!

I bet my sweet patootie that no one in the whole wide universe would want or for the slightest LIKE to work while looking behind their backs in fear of an axe or a dagger to chop or pierce through.

NO ONE WOULD LIKE THAT.

I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT!

NOT ONE BIT.

Now, I really don't know what I've just written.

Psycho-babble.

It's what I do best.

Hello Darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk to you again...

A Most Profound Quiet - PROFOUND being the operative word.

OK fine, so I didn't post the other post after I wrote it on Notepad - darn internet connection's doing what it does best AND THAT is not connecting.

Last night was kind of surprising and not to mention a BIT irritating.

HE (who must not and NEVER be named) had a tantrum. UGGHHH!!!!

AND WITH it - like always - entails a few things that are kind NOT really good for the heart.

1. Silence (the whole night I slept alone in our bed while he was snoring like dog in our couch.)

2. Ignore (oh god, you have no idea how bad IT IS to PUSH yourself - it's like selling, face to face or over the phone, bad thing is that just before you have EVEN started to dial you get a BLOCKED thing or signal. GAH!!!!!

AND...

3. A LOT of other things that would make your heart melt in fury - rage - and even carnage.

SIGH.

In situations such as this I would usually do one or everything of the following.

1. Kick him out.
2. BURN - and BURN his stuff.
3. Throttle his throat till he gasps for air and turns black and blue
4. After kicking him and burning his stuff I will ALSO hurl his stuff at him.
5. BE SILENT until he makes the first move.
6. SEDUCE him till his balls falls out and he'll succumb to the fact that I'm BEAUTIFUL - NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Evil cackle...yes, I'm good at that - cackling)

BUT...then again..

There's an option 7. In rare instances...

7. DO NOTHING.

This is kind of related with option 5. Which worked.

I DID NOTHING. Well, I just went to our room and stripped naked to the hilt and was listening to Paramore (again) on the Ipod. Me and my Ipod. Sigh.

It worked.

The I-should-not-do-anything-and-just-leave-him-alone-to-rest-sleep-and-think part.

It did. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ – Odin – Thor – Zeus – Hera – Poseidon – Hades – Rah – Isis! AMEN!

And then this morning, early - barely six or seven o'clock - he tiptoed into our room (which was pointless because I could hear a pin drop, hehehe!) But really I heard him or I think I did see and hear him, I was kind of hazy since I was barely awake, because our room - as you remember - doesn't have a door anymore. Remember our TITANOMARCHY? Yes, the battle of the immortals equals no door.

Patience isn't really my strongest attribute. It’s more of like psycho-killer-shit-stuff for me. BUT, whatever, you do crazy things for the ones you love right?

Like for example - being lied at, waking up in the morning with no load on your cellphone because he used all of it up just to text my friends (and check if I'm not screwing one or ALL of them.

Rrrriiiigggghhhtttt!

Well, I'm NOT. SCREW YOU IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME! (WHOEVER is reading this) They're just friends or people I know who has the same perspective in life as I have and that is all for the glory of the greater good. AMEN.

Start a riot in me. Let's start! Start! HEY!!!!

Blahhhh..Paramore. Hehehehehe!

OK. I have to park now. I'm just hijacking someone else’s' computer - my cousin actually - just to post this darn thing.

Cheerio dahlin...cheerio!

=)

P.S.

WE DID enjoy Skins. It was FUN. I lurrvveeeddd it. You know, Britons and Britas (hahahaha!)

This time I didn't go unscathed...

FINALLY, I'm home and I have finally sat down - and not weep - and decided to write the most horrendous, torid, sordid - though in a way exciting and spine tingling - experience ever.

Last week Wednesday, I had the chills. It was like nothing that I have ever experienced before. I dunno what caused it, though I think it was because of the rain, since it rained on Tuesday night and I just slept with only one blanket. AND THUS I went chilli-lingggg!

Gives new meaning to the phrase " sends chills down your spine" or "spine-tingling experience"

GAH!

I gobbled paracetamols and voila, it was gone in the morning. No more chilli-lingggs or whatever. Good bye pain...

or so I thought it was the end of my (almost) unbearable torment.

I had stomach cramps on Thursday morning. WHICH sucked a LOT! I was walking while bending (NO PORNO included). My tummy was hurting like a mother! It was like the momma mary of all mother fuckers.

I sent SMS messages to my friend - a very close friend who I call M - and told her about my current condition. She advised me to call the doctor and set an appointment which was pretty bad because I was number eleven on the list - and I was thinking that if I'd be there I would've probably died waiting for my number to be called.

So, I mustered all of my (remaining) strength and decided that I must go out and admit myself at the hospital.

I stopped by for a bit to look for my friend - who's also a nurse. He wasn't there, but thankfully he was on duty at the hospital. I went there straight.

And straight to the Emergency Room. My friend was there and also the ex hubby of my close friend. They both assisted me - I was so grateful.

The nurses were asking me a bazillion questions - starting from my name down to my health insurance - WHICH I found out that I didn't have at work (more to that later)

I.V.'s were stuck on my veins the instant I told the nurse that I REALLY NEED to be admitted.

The male nurse suck at sticking I.V's on my hand..he did it TWICE which - again - hurt like a mother!

The doctor came - a girl doctor - she checked my tummy. She pressed her hand -FIRMLY- From left to center and ended at the right.

I HOWLED because of the pain.

How high is your threshold for pain? I can't really say, but I think I have suffered when I was there. SUFFERED.

I had a few speculations. No. Suspicions. Hunch. FEAR. On what this thing inside me - that is sooooo freaking painful - is. IT HURTS SO MUCH. I HATE IT!

From the E.R. I was escorted to my room - with other people - on a wheel chair. I almost died when we went past the steep ramp!

I was at the pediatric ward - of all places. With other people - which was more like Geria than Pedia. I was STILL alone.

Then came mom. I didn't know what to say, we're not THAT close. Swear! But, I was glad and relieved that my mom was there.

Then came the doctor - who we trust.

He checked my tummy and voila, he said it WAS appendicitis.

As what Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepard (of Grey's anatomy) said

WE NEED TO GET IN TO SURGERY IMMEDIATELY

or something like that.

I was being prepped by the nurses - they shaved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, in minutes, I was rolled to the delivered to the sort of gas chamber - the O.R. riding the gurney of death!

The operating room was not what I expected it to be - Grey's anatomy or Scrubs or E.R. or House kind O.R.

BUT it could pass. ;)

THANK GOD I knew one person (surgeon not counted) and that person was the scrub nurse. Thank you tita em.

The anesthesiologist briefed me on what's going to happen - aside from of course him drugging me and I'll go to la la land.

Then the surgeon came, I felt the anesthesia kicking in and I was half conscious, though I tried to be awake - the strong willed person that I am (HAH!) BUT still I couldn't fight it though, I heard the surgeon ask his assistant for a ten blade..

or a scal-freaking-pel.

And so, the surgery started. I didn't have much memory about it, not that my spirit was floating above my body and I got to watch. NOPE. (Thank God it didn't happen.)

I was again riding the gurney of death from the O.R. to the recovery room. It wasn't sad, I even talked about the Oscars with my friends. hahaha!

A lot of things happened in the hospital, I stayed there for almost five days. My friends were there to support me. THANK YOU GUYS!

BUT most of all, my one and only. Who in a very big way sacrificed (as if he has not already) his job and whatever for me.

Thank you baby love...


P.S.

I'll start work - again - on Monday. BUT, I'll take it slow.

Sigh!

THIS IS THE DARN THING!

IRON FIST...

In colloquial English, an "Iron Fist" refers to the authority exerted by a powerful, unforgiving governing figure. (according to www.wikipedia.com)

I have finally decided that I AM GOING TO DEAL WITH MY TRAINEES with an IRON FIST!

NO KIDDING!

Prepare for trouble...and make it double!

The title of this post is from - as we all know it - Team Rocket's slogan. The infamous Team Rocket of the Pokémon animated series. Jesse and James.

They say that line every time they are about to wreck havoc to all the pocket monsters or people but eventually, they fail.

BUT then again, this post isn't about Team Rocket or Pokémon or wrecking havoc to people.

Wrecking havoc, maybe. In my own cruel and wicked way (hahaha!)

AT LONG LAST!

I have finally managed to grab myself a copy of Jeff and John's video!

They're twins. TWINS (really cute, adorable, hot, well-built) TWINS!

They're both nineteen AND they did the dirty deed. Which of course is for me to know and you to, of course, figure it out! Hah!

Well, I can only think of the lines:

1. Prepare for trouble, make it double!
2. Twice the treat, double the fun!
3. Two heads are better than one.
   

Hahahahaha!

P.S.

The video lasts for only 13+ minutes (the darn thing even took a long ass of a time to download and kept me on my heels!)

BUT HELL...

it was definitely worth the darn bloody wait!

=)