Hello Darkness, my old friend...

It's April - middle of it actually AND it's HOT. I don't like it.

Unlike Superman - I don't get my powers from the heat of the sun. I get weak or get lazy when it's hot. I'm not programmed for solar power.

To quote Lestat "The light from the sun and the intense heat of a prolonged fire, these things might destroy me or then again...they might not."

I am getting weak and getting destroyed lil' by lil'.

A LOT of things have happened that shook me. Call it a cataclysmic change.

My computer - this one I'm writing in on right now - recently died (for the NTH time) this time it did a very sparkling presentation. FIREWORKS!

The power supply blew up.

AND THEN I had to admit it to the repair people to have it fixed. And after coughing out a large sum of money - the one I garnered from tutoring the batch I'm training right now and just seeing the darn money for less than an hour - it got fixed.

ANOTHER problem presented itself in UNICOLOR.

Green. Though sometimes yellow or sometimes, just sometimes a combination of both.

The monitor - which is yellow at the moment - is acting pretty strange.

AND THEN another one, the AVR. Automatic Voltage Regulator. THE HEART of the computer. The one which gives it life in a tiny spark is acting PRETTY PRETTY strange. It makes clicky-ti-clack noises.

BUT no matter how technical these stuff are or expensive even - they can be fixed or replaced with something new and voilá it's OK again.

There's another one...SO CATACYLYSMIC that I almost had (or probably have already) an ANEURYSM!

At work, yesterday, when everyone went home. I received an SMS message from our very diligent but an idiot of a maintenance personnel which read that one unit of headset (a very obsolete one) went missing. I have no idea why it did or where it went - probably a trainee transferred it from one unit to another or it just mysteriously disappeared. Poof!

I received a torrent, excuse me, a TRUCK LOAD of SMS messages from both the idiot maintenance personnel and my monster of a boss which boils down to ME being the responsible one knowing about the where-and-what abouts of the bloody thing.

I couldn't sleep last night - couldn't sleep well because every time I opened my eyes, flashes of the monster boss and the idiot personnel and their fingers pointing at me haunt me in my sleep.

Every time I close my eyes.

I'm NOT guilty of anything, I just don't like it when people or whatever accuse me of something that I AM TOTALLY INNOCENT OF.

Morning came - which was good, I was still alive - and then I braved my way to school.

AND THEN the headset was found - by the idiot maintenance personnel himself. Crazy world.

I asked my trainees why and what happened - since I went out most of the day yesterday - and then they just nodded into agreeing that they won't do it anymore, transferring ANY unit to another or whatever.

THEN the monster boss came. UNLIKE Grendel's mom, this one doesn't have charm or probably it's still there but weak or sordid or diminishing and decrepit.

All hell broke lose.

Like a rabid Chihuahua biting everyone's leg off.

We did an inventory. FROM all of the CPU's (including the ones that doesn't function anymore) down to the very last mouse pad.

Then after I signed the darn paper, I went off along with everyone else and declared a HOLIDAY. Or afternoon off.

I was so pissed. I lost my control and I didn't want to work. NOT TODAY.

I slept through the whole afternoon, drooled even. My partner, my life, my signal fire, my safe harbor, took advantage of me, sniffing every possible nook and cranny of my nakedness and probably diminished my scent; even in my unconscious state, I knew what he was doing - I loved that, it made me feel secure and that I'm OK!

During my sleep, I didn't dream of anything or maybe I did. I didn't care. I was at peace for a bit. AND I knew that NOTHING in this world or the next world would hurt me because I am safe in the cockles of my partners arms and of course the comfort of our bed and my personal favorite - my mosquito net!

People who give a damn, sent me messages, gave me comforting words to ease - to pacify my very-very perturbed heart and spirit and not to mention mind.

My cousin, my friend for more than a decade and my other friends and my mother. Mutter o gib mir kraft!

I ask her to do something for me and what her position can do and their operation lock up on business that are illegal can do.

She'll do it next week.

Guess where it'll happen?

Sit back, relax and nuke a popcorn while you're at it, it's going to be one heck of a scene. It might even be bloody and teary.

FUN!

Sigh.

This post - like almost every post that I have made - is full of angst, anger and hate. I dunno. Maybe I'm messed up.

Erase the maybe.

Maybe I AM MESSED UP.

I really don't know what to do with it anymore - the matter at hand. I'm scared that they might do something like electrocute me in plain sight or shoot me point blank dead center on the head.

I'm dreading this morning. I wonder what bomb or grenade will I dodge or shield myself from AGAIN? I hope it's not nuclear or atomic or I'll bite the dust - LITERALLY!

I am NOT strong in spirit, mind and heart. Even though I don on a pretty brave face and pretend that everything's alright and everything WILL be alright, I still hurt inside. Like an out of control internal bleeding. FUCK!

There's this joke - from Watchmen. A guy comes into a doctor's office weeping. Doctor asks what's wrong. Guy says that he's messed up. Doctor says to cheer up and to watch this funny clown who's in town, it'll surely do the trick. Guy says, "I AM THE CLOWN!"

Funny joke.

Scary even.

FUCK!

I decided that if I can't take this any longer - longer that it should (I'm working on Batch 15 and I started from the no number batch) and the pain, the fear, the paranoia wouldn't ease, then I'd give up.

I'm not going to make this last forever.

Hallelujah!

I bet my sweet patootie that no one in the whole wide universe would want or for the slightest LIKE to work while looking behind their backs in fear of an axe or a dagger to chop or pierce through.

NO ONE WOULD LIKE THAT.

I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT!

NOT ONE BIT.

Now, I really don't know what I've just written.

Psycho-babble.

It's what I do best.

Hello Darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk to you again...