With dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls...

The title of this post is a line taken from the poem Howl (and other poems) by Allen Ginsberg.


A lot of people would DIE to interpret the poem - but then again, you can't interpret poetry - that's why it's called THAT.


I, however, will not try and interpret Howl or any other poem for that matter, but I'll divide this post into sections: "Dreams; Drugs; Walking Nightmares; Alcohol - Cock and Endless balls."

Dreams

I had a bad dream last week - a SICK one.


I was in a circle jerk. A LOT (like 10 or more) boys were in it. And what's more it was in PUBLIC (an internet shop) and what's WORSE, I KNOW someone PERSONALLY.


I told J, my friend AND voice of reason, (who also had a dream last week) about this dream. And flat out he said: You need to get out of where you are; and DO IT often. (Rough paraphrasing.)


Yes, I'm 25, I live in a third world country in the far east; alone; I am SINGLE; and TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I haven't DONE IT in a loooong while.


Yes, it's true. As ICKY as this sounds, IT IS THE TRUTH.


I dunno, maybe I get scared? Maybe I'm just playing safe OR maybe I'm JUST not ready for it - again.


I block or flap every thought and/or insinuation about IT with work - article this, article that.


I'm like Glinda - minus the shimmering blonde hair and BELTING voice that can do a B flat - inside a bubble. Distant from the world. And not letting ANYONE else in it.


Maybe I'm looking for love? Which is a UNICORN.


What about you, have YOU found your Unicorn?

Drugs 

What is YOUR drug? 


Naw, not the one where you need a torniquet AND a long-ass-gauge-needle.


What gets you going? 


Everyday we work - we go to school - we do the things that WE SHOULD do in the world in order to survive the proverbial battle of the wild.


I dunno what keeps me going. When I was working behind a desk before; the boss asked us to bring a picture of SOMETHING that would motivate us to work harder.


Everyone brought a picture of their:


1. dream house
2. dream IPod (it was 2006)
3. dream car
4. a yacht
5. a helicopter


I however, young-er; dumb-er that I am now, brought a picture of a BOOK (A Dirty Job by Christoper Moore - HARDBOUND - it was expensive) and I didn't know better that time and maybe even now.


That was before, the DRIVE to get THIS or THAT book would make me work and do something just to get it, but that was before, NOW, I don't know - maybe just the WILL to live?


Awhile back this afternoon - after lunch - I had a TOOTH AND NAIL fight with my editor OVER THE DARN PHONE - a long distance one (from the state of California); all because ONE of the article that I wrote "didn't sound good."


I do take things seriously - should you know - and this is the JOB. And I really shouldn't just ignore it or hell, SLACK like the pig that I am.


But then again, when someone bites you - you bite back, right? I always make my articles "sound good" entertaining even and NOT sounding like an encyclopedia and/or a Bible thumper that would go door-to-door. I add a lil' sugar - spice and everything nice!


In the end, I won the TOOTH and NAIL fight. Kind of unscathed, but still THAT moment made me think and ponder even.


Professionalism is good - always - but when one pisses on your work after you've suffered hours upon hours of working on it; THAT's another story.


It's work. It's a dirty job.


And to quote a very good friend and mentor it pees the bells.

Waking Nightmares

There are just times in a day when you sit down and THINK of the days before - a waking nightmare, if you will.


Before all of THIS - the lappy top; the job which pees the bells - I HAD NOTHING.


When I was young-er and dumb-er and a student I relied or rather LEECHED on my mom. And I BELIEVED that whatever happens mom will be there to pick me up and brush those bruises on my knees.


Thus the reason I CHOSE to go to the university/college out of town and be away from home - because I know everything will be alright, mom's there.


Rather than getting a course or degree which would help me with life - and NOT to mention one that would surely get me a higher pay - like a nurse or a doctor or hell; one course than you can use in times of emergencies - like the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse for example.


I chose a course that I love - one where I can EAT books and talk about BOOKS. Bachelor in Secondary Education: Major in Literature; minor in linguistics.


Antoine de Saint-Exupéry - Balzac - Chekov - Dante -  Dostoevsky - Faulkner - Flaubert - de Maupassant - Goethe - Kafka - Salinger - Shakespeare - Tolstoy - Williams - Zola. You name it; I ate them all way back in college.


I barely survived the university - NOT as being the one who gets bullied all the time, but by being drunk in class or high even (pot was a bestfriend - along with Kurt Kobain, John Lennon and NIN and yes, Anne Rice) I was 17.


Then my parents broke up DURING graduation (no one walked me down the aisle) - I got shattered by it. 


I ran away from home - to the big baddest city and capital of the country (Manila) filled with crooks, illegal recruiters, hookers, pickpockets, swindlers and drug dealers.

I worked at contact centers - galore - which catered customers from other countries, mainly the United States and/or Europe.


I became a lot of things while in a contact center:


1. Telemarketer - annoying job and not to mention FOR the customer


"Hello my name is ________, from CARLSON; AVAYA; KODAK; WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION; TUPPERWARE; SPRINT; AT&T"


2. Customer service - annoying job too
3. Quality Assurance - listened to calls 
4. Accent trainer
5. And then finally - BOSS (of Accent trainers)


And regardless if I had income and I was told one too many times to save - I didn't listen. Rather than saving, I SPLURGED all of it with online games. I was 21.


From Defense of the Ancients - World of Warcraft down to Zelda, you name it.


And yes, BOOKS - for someone who lives in a very small town with no bookstore (it's TRUE) the INSTANT you see a glossy hardbound book of (for example) "Laurell K. Hamilton's DANCE MACABRE - you grab it and pay it no matter what the cost.


Then the BOMB dropped like that one of Hiroshima and Pearl Harbor combined. The company went bankrupt and they had to CUT - I was part of it.


And then everything just went BLACK. I won't tell you about it anymore - it was just PLAIN BAD.


BUT, now - with a different perspective of things - I KNOW that I should probably be a bit wiser now; given that I've learned THE HARD WAY that the people aren't universalists, but rather individualists.


And to NEVER GO BACK to the darkplace ever - EVER - again.

Alcohol - Cock and Endless balls.

If there's one thing I learned, that is important, is to never take things literally.


And so should you.


NO, this section isn't about "Alcohol - Cock and Endless balls" LITERALLY, no.


It's happiness or at least that's what I THINK those three are. A lil' joy of sorts - minus the sexual innuendos.


If there's one thing a person could be proud of, it's when their work is appreciated or commended even.


I do too - especially with this blog - and it's wonderful to know, really, that some read THIS.

I get to know which countries have read me (who lives in Israel?) and yes, the browser AND thingamajig that people use or YOU - are using.

But then again, I can't help but be annoyed AND at the same time laugh because I'm just too jaded to argue.

Like messages and/blasts for example:

And you have no choice but to just SMILE and GRIN AND BORE IT - because you're nice and good and you don't want to break a nerve or have an aneurysm just because of a lil' annoyance.

But these lil' things give color to life - well, for me at least; the readers, the occasional nut that would drop by and give you random stuff.

Just like show-business  - it won't work without "fans."

And with that, I bid you good night, dear reader - be safe; a storm, as they say, is on it's way.

Stay Warm! ☼ 

If only...

...I had a hammer..I would hurl it like Thor's Mjolnir. (say it with me: MULE - NEARRRR!)


Flashback: Long time ago - I was in college - and when you're young (17) you look for something where you feel like you BELONG - and then you drown yourself with wonderful things or things that you THINK is/are wonderful.


And so, I found a WEBSITE. And it was fun - seeing that (almost) everyone in it shared the same interest as you - like Anne Rice or Lestat or (oohhh) shiny fangs.


Then heated debates - arguments - discussions - or mainly TALKING would come about and everyone would have fun or IS having fun.


Yes, crazies would come and say I want to live forever - who doesn't anyway? And yes, DRAMA! What would the WEBSITE be without it's coffee? Some even got suspended UNTIL Infinity (and beyond;  yes, Buzz Lightyear) for it!


BUT, that was a long time ago - and NOW - year of the Mental Rabbit - the WEBSITE still exists.


Regardless if I wasn't able to log-in for like a year or two (long hiatus as some call it) - the WEBSITE is still there/here.


Unfortunately - the first ones to stumble upon THE WEBSITE aren't there anymore, true there are still a few (like me) who would just go there to check on the new things but it's just not the same anymore.


To quote a few friends (first ones on THE WEBSITE like me)


"Oh lord. I don't even LOOK at the forums anymore. It's all nonsensical BULLSHIT rants from over dramatic, emo teenagers begging for attention and affirmation from complete strangers around the world. *snort* I DISLIKE other peoples children."


And another quote from another friend:


"Our time was intelligently stimulated"


What you see now would be things like:


"Please _______ me and I'll return the _______ so that I can get out of the RED"


Someone rated my profile and said:


"You got (OUT OF THE RED) straight away...that sucks...LOL!"


And THEN, we conversed..and THIS someone asked me a question which REALLY made me think:


"What makes YOU think you are not one of  THEM?"


I didn't know what to say really..


But, the ONLY reason I signed up on THE WEBSITE is that I needed a HOME or a safe HAVEN where I can share with anyone (IN THE WORLD - thank you very much) something / things that I know much or don't know much about and THEN we'll TALK about it.


My WEAK answer would be:


I READ content (?) Heh.


But now, regardless if you ask EVERYONE in THE WEBSITE NOT to stick something on your profile - they'd still click on something and POST.


Then TADA! SPARKLING thing - HUGE like the State of TEXAS on your Profile - with links that would lead you to - PHOTOBUCKET and/or their Profiles.


ANOTHER friend pointed out (this one new - but hey, a rockstar) in ways of posting a video/song


"A World Without Logos" (From Hellsing)


BUT then again - to quote the opening song from the (classic) Disney Animated Film Aladdin "It's tragic but HEY, it's home!" 


I have a few people who I can relate to - there's even ONE I pour out everything to - regardless of the MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING - but still THAT ONE is there, one I put on a high pedestal.


This (RANT) is probably another shot in the dark - and I'm NOT the first one to do this and THIS isn't the first time I did this - but then again, like V for Vendetta - WORDS are powerful.


And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is my hammer.