That's me in the corner - that's me in the spotlight...

That's me in the corner

That's me in the spotlight, 

I'm Losing my religion

Trying to keep up with you

And I don't know if I can do it

Oh no, I've said too much

- Losing My Religion; R.E.M.; Out of Time

You're a good person, right?


I think I am too, or almost all of us are. In our own weird and unfathomable definition we are.


And because of your goodness, you tend to do some things for someone(s). 


You go crazy at times, overreact even. And THEN while you're in the midst of what you're doing you lose....faith.


Regardless of the PROMISE (which you have kept) - you tend to falter or dare I say it, DOUBT.


You lose your "religion".


I lose faith easily. I get discouraged easily. 


When someone talks about something bad and/or crude or JUST not the way I like it (yes, selfishness included) - especially something I BELIEVE IN - and/or part of, e.g.; boys who likes boys. Duh....


AND if I say something that I THINK would offend someone - I get crazy sad on that. And I apologize. I'm always ALWAYS sorry. I was even told (countless times) "Don't be so hard on yourself."


Yes, emo kid, I am.


I lose faith too.


Just like The Pilgrim, remember? When he was ALMOST there - he lost faith?


Or Dante - yes! - when he was on his way to cross the River Acheron with Virgil = he collapsed!


Maybe, I'm just TOO kind or TOO good, and this is POINTLESS! 


OR MAYBE today's not really the best day in all of my existence and I JUST NEED TO MOPE AND/OR RANT?!


Reasons?


1. The House almost burned to CINDER this early morning = electric post AND rain aren't bestfriends. Thus resulting into BOOM BOOM BOOM and fireworks and finally DARKNESS.


2. Articles to write - 10 per day since yesterday - 500 words on each; to the DOT!


3. Some people think I'm MODELLING, just because I'm flaunting my ass on THE WEBSITE, doesn't mean I am. (I'm doing this as rebellion - VIVA LA REVOLUTION - against those who DO NOT GET IT or a ward against STUPIDITY - along with MY HAMMER!)


4. The rain - hasn't stopped eversince last week. With murk and MUD that would surely spoil your shoes and/or slippers.


I've been in the dark and damp for quite sometime now, I need my

  ☼

I really do...




If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? - The Bard Of Avon




ON OTHER NEWS: (Lighter side of things)

HAPPY AUSSIE DAY!

On Other News: Missing boat with FIVE AMERICANS lands in Maasin City, Philippines

Missing boat with 5 Americans lands in Maasin City


MANILA, Philippines – Five Americans stepped ashore in good health Monday in the centralPhilippines following an international search for their sailboat when it failed to arrive on time in its voyage from the Pacific island of Guam, officials said.

The vessel, called the Pineapple, ran into bad weather after departing from Guam on Jan. 6 on a journey to the Philippines and relatives of the crew _ four men and a woman _ reported them missing Jan. 18.


A Philippine coast guard ship reached the 38-foot (11-meter) catamaran on Sunday after it was spotted by plane the previous day. Rescuers escorted the vessel to the port of Maasin City on Southern Leyte, where the crew refueled, got their passports stamped and treated themselves to a meal, the coast guard said.


With one of its two rudders damaged, the Pineapple will later be escorted to its original destination on Cebu Island.


“They’re all in fine health,” coast guard chief Adm. Wilfredo Tamayo said of the crew, including a Filipino-American in the U.S. Air Force. The U.S. Embassy in Manila has declined to release their identities and hometowns.


The U.S. Coast Guard, which said it had spent 63 hours searching for the sailboat, expressed relief that the boat was found but faulted the crew for failing to take proper precautions. The vessel did not carry long-distance communication or emergency distress equipment and did not file a comprehensive float plan, the agency said.


“I’m elated for the family and friends of the Pineapple, but compelled to point out that this voyage was made without taking basic, commonsense precautions,” said Capt. Thomas Sparks, U.S. Coast Guard Guam commander.


A Philippine coast guard plane spotted the sailboat Saturday off the southern island of Dinagat, but was not able to confirm its identity until Sunday when the weather cleared, Tamayo said.
A woman aboard the boat was able to contact her husband by cell phone at 1:30 p.m. Sunday _ apparently once she came within range of cell phone service _ and he called rescuers in Guam to give them the boat’s coordinates, the U.S. Coast Guard said in a statement.
“The husband confirmed the vessel ran into bad weather and suffered a rudder and radio casualty. This delayed the Pineapple’s voyage but it was never in danger of sinking,” the statement said.
Guam, a U.S. territory, is about 1,400 miles (2,290 kilometers) east of Cebu, where heavy rains and rough seas have been reported in recent weeks.


The U.S. Coast Guard had deployed a HC-130 Hercules aircraft, two Navy P-3 Orion planes, two Air Force C-12s and a patrol ship to search an area of 122,600 square nautical miles (317,530 square kilometers) for more than 63 hours, the agency said.
U.S. authorities were informed of the discovery by Philippine authorities and have been in touch with Philippine officials to provide help to the Americans, U.S. Embassy spokeswoman Rebecca Thompson said.


A video taken from a search plane showed four of the Americans on top of the white-hulled catamaran, one apparently waving, as a rubber boat with coast guard personnel approached.


Many Philippine provinces, particularly in the east, have experienced rough seas amid unusually heavy rains since late December. At least 71 people have died and 23 others remain missing from the stormy weather.


The Philippine coast guard rescued 260 of 277 people aboard nearly a dozen boats that sank, overturned or ran into trouble last week due to the inclement weather. Fifteen remain missing while two drowned, the officials said.


Want more details? Go to Blog For Noob

If only...

...I had a hammer..I would hurl it like Thor's Mjolnir. (say it with me: MULE - NEARRRR!)


Flashback: Long time ago - I was in college - and when you're young (17) you look for something where you feel like you BELONG - and then you drown yourself with wonderful things or things that you THINK is/are wonderful.


And so, I found a WEBSITE. And it was fun - seeing that (almost) everyone in it shared the same interest as you - like Anne Rice or Lestat or (oohhh) shiny fangs.


Then heated debates - arguments - discussions - or mainly TALKING would come about and everyone would have fun or IS having fun.


Yes, crazies would come and say I want to live forever - who doesn't anyway? And yes, DRAMA! What would the WEBSITE be without it's coffee? Some even got suspended UNTIL Infinity (and beyond;  yes, Buzz Lightyear) for it!


BUT, that was a long time ago - and NOW - year of the Mental Rabbit - the WEBSITE still exists.


Regardless if I wasn't able to log-in for like a year or two (long hiatus as some call it) - the WEBSITE is still there/here.


Unfortunately - the first ones to stumble upon THE WEBSITE aren't there anymore, true there are still a few (like me) who would just go there to check on the new things but it's just not the same anymore.


To quote a few friends (first ones on THE WEBSITE like me)


"Oh lord. I don't even LOOK at the forums anymore. It's all nonsensical BULLSHIT rants from over dramatic, emo teenagers begging for attention and affirmation from complete strangers around the world. *snort* I DISLIKE other peoples children."


And another quote from another friend:


"Our time was intelligently stimulated"


What you see now would be things like:


"Please _______ me and I'll return the _______ so that I can get out of the RED"


Someone rated my profile and said:


"You got (OUT OF THE RED) straight away...that sucks...LOL!"


And THEN, we conversed..and THIS someone asked me a question which REALLY made me think:


"What makes YOU think you are not one of  THEM?"


I didn't know what to say really..


But, the ONLY reason I signed up on THE WEBSITE is that I needed a HOME or a safe HAVEN where I can share with anyone (IN THE WORLD - thank you very much) something / things that I know much or don't know much about and THEN we'll TALK about it.


My WEAK answer would be:


I READ content (?) Heh.


But now, regardless if you ask EVERYONE in THE WEBSITE NOT to stick something on your profile - they'd still click on something and POST.


Then TADA! SPARKLING thing - HUGE like the State of TEXAS on your Profile - with links that would lead you to - PHOTOBUCKET and/or their Profiles.


ANOTHER friend pointed out (this one new - but hey, a rockstar) in ways of posting a video/song


"A World Without Logos" (From Hellsing)


BUT then again - to quote the opening song from the (classic) Disney Animated Film Aladdin "It's tragic but HEY, it's home!" 


I have a few people who I can relate to - there's even ONE I pour out everything to - regardless of the MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING - but still THAT ONE is there, one I put on a high pedestal.


This (RANT) is probably another shot in the dark - and I'm NOT the first one to do this and THIS isn't the first time I did this - but then again, like V for Vendetta - WORDS are powerful.


And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is my hammer.

Early Edition Massacre...

With reference to an old show on TV - one where a cat brings tomorrow's paper - I'm writing this in the early morning of Thursday - 13th day of January - year of the Mental Rabbit - 6:09.


The house is empty - a lil' dirty, quite dim and damp too, (it rained again - and they say it will rain until March) but the only sounds I hear now would be the cry of a baby - some roosters cock-a-doodle-doing - the sound of the neighbors' footsteps and them carrying empty buckets on their way to the pump to get water from it so that they can use it later for bathing, cooking/boiling rice or water - for the early morning coffee.


Peace. Five minutes of it. This is what early morning has to offer me.


I'm bothered with something - like a spinach's stuck between my teeth and/or maybe there's something's that the doctor didn't take out - that should've gone with my already non-existant-appendix - from inside of me; probably my gut or spleen or HEY, my BILE.


Yesterday, afternoon, a line from a song - cheesy, yet classic - grabbed my attention and for the first time in my almost two years of being secretary and mini-boss of the only radio station in town - I have finally PONDERED on a song's line.


"Feels like I have lost you forever, like a song in the night..."


My rough - inexperienced - mediocre - translation would be: I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS FOR NAUGHT!


Yes, ladies and gentlemen - I am COMPLAINING again and STILL I am talking about THE FRIEND. Yes, the friend who shook me right down to my core and you know what the best part is? 


The friend didn't even lay a finger on me.


The FRIEND. Period.


I promised to say HELLO everyday - and as human - meager - fragile - vulnerable as I am; I am trying to keep that promise regardless if the day was harrowing and not to mention work was murder - BUT, there are just times - a few instances - that I would begin to DOUBT my intentions, and ask myself question(s) like:


- what's the point?


BUT STILL after a few minutes of pondering, I STILL say hello.


I'm a suck-up...I pretend that everything's bright and shiny when inside, I'm dark and twisty (in a sort of tolerable way) and not everything's going to be smooth and wonderful and dare I say it - FUN - all the time.


I easily get discouraged - and I am weak; I tend to go over dramatic and/or make a media circus of something which (to anyone else) is small.


Now, because of this HUGE BOTHER - which should have DIED last year - I feel like I don't have a sense of direction. 


I'm lost. 


And I am a lil' piggy slash a heartless automaton which runs on solar power and just do the NORMAL things everyday.


Wake up - take a bath - eat - go to work...lunch - sleep - go to work and then go home again, home again...jiggity-jig.


The usual down spiral of everyday boring routines - I SHOULD and WILL get out of here soon and NOT feel like a trapped great white shark anymore.


AND NOT slap on my show face and face the world - either be bright and shiny or dark twisty.


Today is Thursday - the 13th day of January - Year of the MENTAL Rabbit it's 36 minutes past the hour of 6 morning - it's quite damp and dim outside...I'd better bring my umbrella.

James Franco - I'm gay...

James Franco encounters regular rumours concerning his sexuality, despite going out with celebrity Ahna O’Reilly. The speculation is largely down to the movie options the actor has made as he has played several gay characters inside the past, such as Allen Ginsberg in ‘Howl’, activist Scott Smith in ‘Milk’ and poet Hart Crane in his new piece ‘The Broken Tower’.

Even so, Franco protests that just due to the fact he is fascinated by homosexual characters from unique eras, doesn’t mean he is only interested in men.

“Part of what I’m interested in is how these persons who had been living anti-normative lifestyles contended with opposition,” Franco told Entertainment Weekly. “Or, you know what, maybe I’m just gay.”

Franco finds it amusing that society is obsessed with people’s sexuality.

Nonetheless, he is troubled by the “black-and-white” way the subject is viewed, as he considers it to be a extra complex matter.

“It’s funny simply because the way that type of stuff is talked about on blogs is so black-and-white.” Franco said. “It’s all cut-and-dry identity politics. ‘Is he straight or is he gay?’ Or, ‘This is your third gay movie - come out already!’ And all based on, gay or straight, based on the concept that your object of affection decides your sexuality

I will try to do something that I haven't done in a long time - writing...

Today is the 19th day of December - a Sunday. And it's 19:48 at the moment, I am at the "hobby's" working place - because it's our Christmas party.


Regardless if I thought of a million excuses just not to be here - I still am here; it's a dirty job someone has to do it.


There are a lot of things in my mind right now, let's make a list:


1. WERK. I haven't checked my work e-mail in three days -I've been slacking and/or I don't have the FLARE in me that would keep me a STAR burning bright, and not to mention the "hobby" is getting harder and harder everyday. Though the only consolation that I could get from the hobby would be the fast WIFI connection and not to mention the perks of being boss - or something close to it.


I didn't even bother claiming the pay on both of them and not to mention claimed or BOTHER even claiming the bonus and thirteen month pays - what will I do with that NOW?


2. a pesky ex-boyfriend who STILL thinks we're together and THINKS that yesterday (18) was our 4th year anniversary. DUDE! I broke up with you like two years ago. WTF?!?


Though as PESKY as this one is - this is just gravy. It won't even shake me NOT even if THIS guy bleeds or turn into a pillar of salt.


I won't - did not - WILL NOT/NEVER - give a rats ass.


3. a friend who just dropped a HUGE BOMB on me - one that would trample every bomb ever made and/or detonated in history. PLUS the fact that the friend told me to forget all about it and the friend's existence - now THAT is a shrapnel.


I did ask a few people - nuns, priests, doctors, nurses and/or just ANYONE I could think that will give a good answer without compromising confidentiality much less a name and/or gender:


What will you do if a friend tells you something HUGE and tells you to forget about everything and the existence of your friend?


But regardless if I deemed all of them as smart and or intelligent - or hell, merciful - they all agreed on one thing.


To be there all the fucking time if ever the friend needs a lil' comfort or something close.


BUT, I don't know still. This, for the life of me, is unexplainable by MAGIC - LOGIC or MATH.


THIS bomb shook me hard - and the shrapnel has torn me to bits.


I still don't know WHAT TO DO but for now I am doing THE ONLY THING that I think is best at this moment - and that is to talk..and talk and keep talking until this friend gets sick of me - regardless of the many things that this friend said out of impulse - out of being pig headed..I'll still be here - or there or wherever - it's the BEST thing I could do or THINK of doing now.


With patience - smarts - ingenuity and EVERYTHING I've learned and/or the world will offer, I WILL USE THAT.


Just to slap a smile on the friend's face and for this friend to forget - even for just a fraction of a second - that the world's unfair and not to mention very cruel and just plain bad.


I'll think of something better - MUCH better than what I'm thinking now. And maybe in time - before everything's over - things would look a bit brighter.


This may seem like holding a candle and facing the wind with it - but still, it's the BEST I could do, FOR NOW...


For a short span of time, things seemed wonderful especially when I found a good friend but also for a short span of time - and only a very few words - everything fell down and broke like Humpty Dumpty.


A few words took my sunshine away.

♔

For now, I'll just wait...and THINK of something to do better in time..because I know I can do whatever I can THINK - DREAM - or even IMAGINE;  REGARDLESS if it's EXPENSIVE - FAR - OR WHATEVER the world will hurl, given time and resources and a clear-focused head.

I CAN DO IT.

An unpublished post..

I wrote this long time ago - probably 2 or 3 years ago? - and I never published it. Which is weird. So, here..I'm publishing this now.

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It's twenty-two minutes past the hour of two, on the second day of the second month of the twenty-tenth year..here I am, staring at an untitled notepad and doing something that I haven't done or haven't tried doing - with full concentration - for quite sometime now...

I'm trying to write.

Rain is beating heavily on my roof like a thousand lil' bullets from the sky - I wish one would hit me right on my head...My partner is dozing off in bed and I can't sleep because his snores would wake me and/or his breathing would suck my oxygen like a vacuum in the abyss.

It's like being caught in between Charybdis and Scylla...a rock and a hard place.

So, here I am. Again. With my bracer and rings on my left hand - for luck - TRYING to do what I have always done when I find it hard to sleep - aside from watching porn or read - I am writing again.

One issue of the graphic novel by Neil Gaiman called The Sandman is entitled Calliophie - the muse. One of the seven daughters of the greek god Zeus and Mynesmone - memory.

Calliophe was enticed - ensnared - beguiled by a not-so-best-selling-author who was in need of an inspiration. He was successful, this author, in ensnaring the muse Calliophe. He used the muse as inspiration for his work - his books.

And by inspiration - Neil Gaiman didn't sugarcoat it - I meant by FUCKING the muse til she became pale and thin - because after the fuck, words would come flowing into your brain and you'd begin to write. Like the author did in the graphic novel.

I had a muse once - a guy, of course: but still you call it a muse; check Google - he was fun and great to be with, not so long ago. I wrote and wrote here like almost everyday.

I don't know what - maybe it was joy that I had a friend who - virtually - has the same interests as I have and not to mention someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about the world - like I do - sometimes.

Keep your head out of the gutter, I didn't fuck my muse. Nor did I have ANY intention to. He was straight - straight as an arrow while I was crooked like a bow. But still, we went out together like best friends since birth and drank a couple of beers and smoked and ate and laughed and played and talked and talked.

And he'd come to my side at the snap of a finger.

Call me unfaithful, call me morbid, call me pale, call me unjust and whatever - but I never did a thing with his STRAIGHT or CROOKED thing - my muse. Prinze or Xilent Xmoker or whatever name he has fashioned for himself nowadays.

But then again, THAT was in the past. Past tense. Dead. Gone. Poof! SNAP! Again, like a snap of my finger - he was gone. Our bond - magical or whatever it was - was severed, by I don't-know-even-now-what.

He has gone away. Like a shadow lost in the light..I miss him. Really...

Right now, forty-two minutes past the hour of two on the second-day of the second month of the twenty-tenth year...I am writing without the help of my muse but with grief - anger - pain - spite - angst - feel free to pitch it whatever!

If I had but one super power or special skill or if I were one of the heroes in Heroes or mutant in X-men, and if someone would ask me what super powers would I like to have? I know what to answer now. I now know WHAT kind of power or ability or skill I'd die to possess.

I won't read other people's thoughts - because if memory serves, M told me that reading other people's thoughts would mean MORE worries for me. I wouldn't want that - my thoughts are probably messier than anyone elses.

Flying would suck. What if someone would fly too and blast you with his laser vision in mid-air like Superman? You're toast!

Being invisible would mean - you're a crook and you want to steal something or you're a wuss and just want to hide yourself from everything!

I wouldn't want those - I wANT SILENCE!

DOTA (Defense of the Ancients) has this hero that's called The Silencer or Nortrom, a Blood-Elf.

His ultimate is called GLOBAL SILENCE. Which would mean bad-luck for everyone especially those heroes who depend on skills - because once the Silencer casts his ULTIMATE everyone in the map would be silenced and cannot casts spells and would be handicapped in battle.

I wish I could do that, like what Merlin did when the men were having a meeting and no one listened to him or Harry Potter who can just flick his wand and shout SILENCIO!

I wish!

Or, putting my fantasies aside, I'd wish I'd be mute or deaf for an hour and be at PEACE! It would be like Sookie Stackhouse - a telepath - in True Blood, when she met Bill Compton - a vampire who had no thoughts because of him being undead. It was bliss for Sookie or Edward cullen to Bella Swann, in Twilight.

Today, I almost exploded because of pressure. My nape, head, back hurts still. LIKE A BITCH!

I HATE - LOATHE - ABHOR it when people would breathe down my neck and PRESSURE and NAG what to do.

My partner - as innocent as he is to everyone - has always been himself to me, like I am to him.

A bickering - nagging - condescending - hypocrite and sardonical lil' bitch that's what he is!

Day by day. Every-freaking-day-noon-night. In bed, while watching a movie, while eating. He sings and/or whistles the same old song/tune.

It's DEAFENING! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! And I don't know what to do already. Seriously.

1. I went BALLISTIC. He kept on singing/whistling.

2. I went silent. HE KEPT ON SINGING til chorus!

3. I retaliated - I sang too - HE SANG the more.

Yes, he is my partner and has been for three years now. And I love him - that's not a question. BUT THEN AGAIN - there are those times when one cannot just take it anymore.

He doesn't have timing or exact precision or excellent marksmanship like an archer does - when saying things or asking me to do things to ADD up to the heavy load that has been breaking my back the whole day!

And then if you sing about how exhausting your day was - he WOULD sing the more about his day and how he stood for hours on end at work and talked and not taking a seat.

I remember, when I went away from this town to explore new things in another place, there was a school for the deaf/mute near the place where I was living.

It was - of course - so quite. So serene. You couldn't hear children screaming or crying like the kids in our schools. No fighting or trouble of any kind would be heard from the outside.

A SILENT and PEACEFUL place where I could probably THINK and NOT blow up and explode like an atom bomb or a NUKE!

Global Silence.

I wish I could cast it on HIM or to whoever - like my mom - so that everytime HE gets ready to blow the first note of the never-ending song that he has been singing ever since he learned the tune.....I won't HEAR it anymore.

I won't be DEAFENED by the same old tune. That has been hammering my SKULL like backhoe!

Yeah, sure, he's my partner, I know, everyone knows that. BUT STILL, I can't carry the world or every crazy thing that comes with everyone I know. I can't DO THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

I'm CRAZY enough already! INSANE even. I can't have someone who will ALWAYS NAG and BICKER and be CONDESCENDING and be a HYPOCRITE and would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS plead INNOCENT and would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS squeeze something out from you just for you to say the thing that he wants YOU to say - even if you are already on the verge of ripping your eyes out from their sockets from saying NO a bajillion and one times, HE STILL would SQUEEZE you tighter and tighter just for you to say what he wants to hear and be PLEASED.

Like a demon would after closing a deal with a hapless mortal fool...

I know, I'm complaining AGAIN - it's what I do best, next to bending over and playing dead - but I NEED to channel all this ANGST that's been supressed inside me. For quite sometime now, thank you.

There are no shrinks available in this old-boring-monochrome-BUT-safe-town, so I don't have a choice but to WRITE it on rock!

I don't want to go ballistic again or hulk up or let my OTHER personality - the one with the rage virus AND salivating like a rabid dog to boot - to take over and finish it for me.

This must be very boring. But who better to tell this to, but you?

I wish you'd get your silent HOUR or MINUTE once you need it

I really do...

I must obey: his art is of such power,

- Caliban
The Tempest; Act I, Scene II

The course of true love never did run smooth

- Lysander
A Midsummer Night's Dream; Act I, Scene I

~~~~~ The Bard of Avon...

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